Isolation Advice for Introverts, from an Expat
If you fancy a little emotional masochism, I highly recommend expat life. You get extra points for moving to a country where you can’t speak the language.
The most connected people I have met have come from the poorest countries. Here, communities seem to knit together to support each other with food and shelter. If you are not careful you will find yourself adopted after a few days! The opposite is true in big cities.
My first few months living alone in Paris were brutal. They re-shaped me in the way a sculptor carves a human form from stone. I owe my survival to the gentle, well timed suggestions of incredibly wise friends. Realizing that the world is finding itself extraordinarily isolated at the moment, I hope this can pass some comfort to you.
Conversations are NOT necessary for Connection
If you don’t have the energy to talk to someone, or you don’t know what to say, send a photograph or a meme. The first few months after I found myself living life solo, my soul was so raw that I couldn’t cope with conversation. A friend would send me photos of the graffiti she saw around the streets of London every day, and I would send her photos of beautiful things I saw in South Africa. At the time, we were in completely different countries, but this simple gesture created a perfect zero-pressure dialogue and the human connection I needed.
For something more real, host video calls to co-work, just to have somebody on the screen next to you in the same way you would work next to somebody in an office. Having somebody in a virtual office helps to keep you stay accountable and does wonders for productivity. And hey, at the end, you had a little extra time with a friend even if you were too busy to chat and they live far away. That’s what a tribe does.
Breathe. Extra points for air that smells like coffee!
This little trick is important to keep in your pocket for the difficult moments. The most basic thing that your subconscious looks for to measure if you are safe is your ability to breathe; when your body can take air, it knows it can live. Remind yourself with a morning pot of coffee or by opening your windows for fresh air first thing in the morning.
Take air !
Create Rituals
The next thing your subconscious looks for is familiarity, so choose your rituals carefully!
For me, this is less about time of day and more about the ritual. When you start the morning with an anchor and achieve one small goal; it has a way of calibrating your mind in a positive way for the day and making it much easier to achieve other things.
For me, its lemon and hot water before my mind has realized I have tricked it out of bed, followed by three pages of hand written text. This is a creativity trick followed by millions of people who benefit from regular brain-gym. The days that you feel you have nothing to say are sometimes the most important. If you try it for 12 weeks the results are guaranteed to surprise you!
Meet your Shopkeeper and Neighbour
Developing a sense of familiarity with your environment will ground you in the most challenging times. That doesn’t mean you have to deeply connect with everybody — but become familiar with the people that work in your local shops where you choose to buy food. Meet your neighbours, it’s good to recognize them. Leave a note on their door with your number so you can chat on WhatsApp and offer to buy them groceries if they are old or fall ill. These will become cornerstone habits for your new life, and you will probably want to keep them, even when you no longer need them.
Get comfortable with feeling alone
Perhaps for some of us, this is the scariest one. If you find that spending time alone brings monsters out of the shadows, it’s time to invite them over for tea. Sometimes it’s useful to even picture the monster, or to give it a voice or a name. Don’t use the TV or alcohol or drugs to make it go away. Wrap yourself in a fuzzy blanket and introduce yourself to them, you might be surprised about what it has to say.
But first, don’t forget to breathe.
